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May 3 Chat Part 6 Dr. Fristad: each insightful parent figures out the unique clues for his or her own child Crackerjack: yes, they DO learn the ropes of how mom reacts to the can’ts and begins to apply it to the won’ts. Dr. Fristad: although I have to say, I have been very struck by the similarity of descriptions I hear from parents Dr. Fristad: C.J.-that’s the importance of differentiating the two==if you gently let the won’ts slide by, you are aiding and abetting a developing manipulator and none of you want that! Dr. Fristad: because all kids love to get away with something, bpd or not! Robin1: it’s how far they can push us? Dr. Fristad: not sure I understand that Q Melbal19: but how do you get them to do the won’ts when you know if you push them that it will probably lead to some kind of outburst Crackerjack: yes it’s just challenging when they honest to god figure out how to make a won’t look like a can’t and not realize you’re aiding and abetting! They’re smart lil boogers, I’ll give them that Curlywhirly: yes, I am afraid that’s part of what we are dealing with in Mr. 18--I was afraid because of the aggression Robin1: well they see how far they can push us before we react! Curlywhirly: so are we ready for the next question? Dr. Fristad: I know I keep going back to the idea of talking your kids during a lull in the storm--but if we keep the perspective that THEY want things to go better, too, it gives us a time that their brains are actually available to problem solve Robin1: so you talk with them during the storm and not after the storm is over? Learningmom_1bp11yo1: can u give a specific example of that to help us conceptualize? Learningmom_1bp11yho1: no robin, she meant wait until the storm is over Crackerjack: ok, that I understand, dealing with problem solving, strategy building during calm periods and that used to work for my son Dr. Fristad: no--definitely don’t try to problem solve DURING the storm--that is one big exercise in frustration! Wait until you’ve got some good talking time, and bring it up then. Dr. Fristad: C.J.--interesting--it used to work--did you stop using that strategy or did it stop working? Robin1: k because usually still grumpy or growling after the storm and refusing to talk about it Dr. Fristad: then I’d wait longer Crackerjack: however, he’s decided that, his words, “I don’t care, I don’t want to change, I don’t care what it costs, I don’t care what it does to me/others” so I don’t know if I’m looking at a plateau in development, is this a ripple in the HFA network or what Dr. Fristad: that sounds to me like “I’m afraid nothing will ever work, so I’d rather say I don’t care than I’m a failure” Crackerjack: he’ll even agree that all the ideas I come up with, that he develops on his own are GREAT but he doesn’t want to bother with any of it even if it pays off for him by doing so Crackerjack: hmmm, that’s an interesting insight and I can see that being accurate for him Dr. Fristad: hmmm--doesn’t want to bother with his own ideas? Crackerjack: nope Melba19: need to run ***melba19 has Quit [QUIT: ] ***dan1 has Quit [QUIT: ] Dr. Fristad: another important consideration--never GIVE the solution away...once you do that, it’s like it’s contaminated--they won’t want it, no matter how brilliant it is! Dr. Fristad: ask a bunch of questions instead to pull the solution out of your child Learningmom_1bp11yo1: hmmmm Supernova: the masterful influence of the experienced parent of a BP child lol Curlywhirly: the Socratic method we were talking about a few weeks ago on the message board Dr. Fristad: how has that worked for you?
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